Hearing and sharing stories is a path to healing. This is the journey of the witness, and often times we are not witness enough to our life to notice how our stories are going unheard and thus manifesting in our bodies as illness in order to be seen. I did not listen to the story in my cells until it roared ferociously at me.
May my story inspire you to bravely listen to your own.
I was the "healthy" one.
You know... the vegetarian yogi who ate organic food, practiced meditation & loved living.
I did all the "right" things. I quit my stressful, soul crushing job and moved to the Hawaiian islands to align with nature and spirit.
I become completely sober & dedicated my time to mindfulness & being of service. So I was furious with the Universe and my own body when it seemingly turned against me. In my deeply enraged meditations... I shouted at the top of my internal lungs...
"YOU'VE GOT THE WRONG GAL! GIVE ME MY LIFE
BACK SO I CAN COMPLETE MY PURPOSE!"
By most standards, I was a great example of health just before a
mysterious auto-immune condition turned my life upside down.
SMASH - tidal wave!
Confused and angry, the question I incessantly berated myself with was...WHYME??
Nearly a decade ago, my door to health
was first opened by yoga.
I became devoted to my practice in my early twenties,
which led me to deepen my understanding of living with
purpose and ultimately inspired me to "feed" my soul,
body and mind lovingly. However, it's been a journey of
continued evolution with a rather gigantic learning curve.
My curiosity and hunger for truth led me to work in many amazing facets of wellness including fitness/sport, health food store management, meditation/mindfulness, farming/permaculture and nutrition. Because of this, the lens from which I view "health" is magnificently multi-dimensional; a kaleidoscopic of wellness.
Throughout my early twenties, I experienced bizarre and chronic illness & repeated hospitalizations, until my health essentially
flatlined after my 27th birthday.
In retrospect I can see that the healing journey was harrowing me for a decade, but I couldn't hear it's calls until my body was bankrupt. At that point, I had no choice but to listen or lose the precious life within me.
For many months, I suffered in relative silence, as many of you likely have. I kept telling myself it was a "phase" and surely I would power through it...like I had everything else in my life. Which I later came to know as one of the unhealthy patterns that was trapping me in an illness cycle. When the pain and exhaustion became too much to carry, I started sharing it with family, friends and medical professionals. Most of them didn't believe me, or at least couldn't see what I was experiencing on the inside. Medical exams and blood tests showed little sign of illness, and my symptoms stayed mysterious for 12 disheartening months.
I woke up exhausted, worked all day exhausted, and went to bed exhausted. My mood was irritable, and often completely erratic.
Every single thing I ate made me feel like vomiting, and I was in a constant and chronic state of debilitating stomach pain.
My skin broke out into inflamed rosacea patches. My brain fog was so intense I could barely hold a conversation without completely forgetting what was being said. I was always cold and dry, and my hormones were a disaster. My body was fatigued, achey, weak and sensitive. And for an avid traveler and active yogi this version of life simply wasn't cutting it. I had mountains to climb, friends to meet, and life purpose to live! I was enraged with my body's inability to heal (and completely blind to the fact that I was getting in the way of that process).
I never imagined that my "purpose" was profoundly interwoven into the illness that had taken over my life. It took a long time before I realized that my "purpose" was to heal and that within the experience of being unwell, was an entirely wonderful adventure waiting to be noticed.
My normally enthusiastic, optimistic, and engaged personality became negative, pessimistic, and disconnected.
My raging inner fire was a pile of ash, and there I was…in complete disbelief that my vibrant Mana lie dormant
in the darkest place of my being and igniting it felt virtually impossible.
If you've reached this place of doubt and disbelief, you're in very good company. This is where the real healing begins. The healing that supersedes the pills and the doctors.
When my efforts to keep pushing through failed, I finally stopped to truly see and acknowledge the woman in the mirror, and face the pain. She was thin, pale, exhausted, depressed, and totally afraid. Seeing her pain shook me to the core and sparked my inner sage! (and we ALL have this wise one within us) That's when I decided to stop trusting "them" and start asking my body and soul what it needed, because who could know better than me?
Then I took 2 radical measures
to save my Mana.
I became my own healer, and my own cure. I devoted myself to healing and spent hours in the library, on the internet and connecting with others. I made the hard yet obvious decision to stop working for 6 months and discovered that I had been depriving myself of crucial medicine - compassion & stillness.
I resisted the urge to mask my pain and instead, leaned into it completely. If you're anything like me, this is a revolutionary concept! With the support of my wonderful team of healers I was able to become friendly with my pain while I recovered.
I was doing all the "right" things yet my body remained stuck in a symptomatic cycle.
From this experience, Holistic Nutrition emerged - it became clear that feeding our bodies good food and water is not enough to heal the story living in our blood, bones, and body.
move into the pain
Healing, my friends, begins when we
rather than than away from it
If there are blocks around our roots, nutrients of any kind cannot reach our beautiful vessels. We first unblock the root system by bravely bringing awareness to what story is keeping us unwell, and holding it with acceptance and compassion. Then we have a clear channel to nourish with nutrients and medicine.
My work in Holistic Nutrition is to support you in recognizing what's blocking your roots and empower you to fearlessly do so!
While these were indeed my darkest hours, the experience became my gift and my superpower. This is why I am particularly driven to empower young women to wake up & nourish themselves, NOW. Our body is our sacred temple, and I am here to show you the wonders of worship.
Today I am vibrant, happy, and free from nearly everything I was first diagnosed with. The journey of wellness never ends, we just get better at trusting & listening to our inner sage when she whispers her wisdom.